My Own Private Serengeti

Boy, do I love videos about lions! And I am so jealous of this "Lion Whisperer" guy getting to roll around with lions like this. The fact that this guy can be "friends" with lions and style their manes and french kiss them is totally awesome, but at the same time, I'm sure at some point he'll end up getting mauled in a random lion/human misunderstanding. It only takes one, and you know who'll win in that fight. Good luck, buddy!

Here's another ridiculously heartwarming video about Christian the Lion and his human friends. Try to ignore the fact that Aerosmith's "Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" is the soundtrack, and tell me if your cold bastard heart doesn't melt just a little at this one.

The closest I've come to an actual lion is paying $25 at the MGM Grand in Vegas to have my picture taken petting a baby lion, a decision I still am glad my pal Camilla and I made. Even though it was a little exploitative for the lion and I felt kinda sleazy and touristy, it was still awesome. And we took a good photo, I think. Other than my visible bra strap, which I wish I could Photoshop out.

I don't know what it is about me and lions, but they've always been prominent in my life. My school mascot was the Lisle Lion; even my summer park district swim team mascot was the sea lion. I've heard more cheers and chants using lion euphemisms than probably 97% of humanity.

Zodiacally, I'm a Leo (yup, the Lion), and those who know me know that I take my astrology pretty arbitrarily seriously. I'm really big on birthdays, and checking my horoscope constantly, and coming up with weak-ass, questionable theories as to why people are behaving the way they are based on the position of constellations on the day of their birth. When I started buying lighters with my astrological symbol on them, I realized that no one could "accidentally" steal my Leo lighter and get away with it, except for maybe other Leos, whom I can easily hunt down and kill. So I pretty much always have one on hand.

My lion-persona fever was definitely cemented when I got my lion face/sun tattoo on my left shoulder. People always dig that tattoo, and it makes me happy all the time when I see it. I feel like I really started getting into this "power animal" thing and just went with it. I started thinking to myself, "What would I do if I were a female lion in a pride on the Serengeti in a comparable situation?" It's really a very effective strategy, sort of like "WWJD?" but a lot more hippie/pagan/fun. It also helps me to remember that I am an animal first and foremost and to keep my survival instincts (and my proverbial "claws") sharp, just in case.

There are a variety of ways in which I feel that I am lion-esque:

1. I am inherently feline, prone to meowing, purring, kneading the flesh of others with my paws, biting, licking, hissing, scratching, nuzzling things with my head and face, grooming myself and others with my own saliva, and generally wanting to be petted and adored, all the while asserting my right to be emotionally independent and incurably self-centered.

2. My hair is a very prominent physical characteristic. I'd say it dominates my "look" (and often other peoples faces in photos). People notice my crazy hair all the time, and I'm pretty sure if someone were trying to describe me to someone else, it'd start with, "You know her, she's got like, big, reddish, curly hair..."

I am quite ritualistic and perhaps even superstitious about my "mane" and its powers. It's my secret weapon. I'll wear it down completely for maximum effect, or put it up out of my face or in a hat when I need to conceal it. I started growing my hair after my last major breakup, and I simultaneously figured out how to make it super-curly without looking stupid. The longer I grow it, the better I feel about it. I have perfected my "hair routine" and have it on a schedule which dominates my beauty regimen and my workout schedule. It's quite ridiculous, but everyone's vain about something, I suppose.

3. I can be incredibly lazy and above all seek comfort, pleasure, food, sun, and group harmony.
I adore a luxurious nap in the heat of the afternoon, a good old-fashioned mating session, and a big ass zebra steak for dinner with my posse.

4. I can also have rare moments of pure, unadulterated bloodlust in which I roar loudly to terrify and then go straight for the jugular without realizing my own strength. I don't fight often, but when I do, I will admit, I fight mean. I usually turn back into a sweet little kitten after that and apologize, though.

5. Female lions are the ones who hunt, track, and kill prey for the rest of the pride. I am definitely makin' sure that my community is getting fed, and I generally feel I was put on this earth to "take care" of people and make sure the whole group's needs are provided for.

6. I definitely notice and adhere to dominance hierarchies and role distribution within social groups. There are alphas and betas, hunters, breeders, bullies, caregivers, scouts, etc., and shit gets f'ed up when individuals don't know their appropriate place. I am a loyal, social animal who thinks the rules are (mostly) there to protect us, and I am happiest when operating as part of a cohesive team.

7. Lions are called the "King of the Jungle". Which is funny because I don't think they typically live in jungles. But they certainly are frequently symbolically likened to royalty/leadership/"all-knowing" figures in literature, mythology and Disney movies. I often like to be at least partially in charge and I sometimes get bossy. I was always one of the official or unofficial team leaders on school projects and school teams and clubs, and am most comfortable when co-leading groups with another leader who balances me out. I am often sought for my trivial knowledge, opinions, and psychological counsel (or offer them without being asked). And I certainly consider myself the Queen of my own Personal Universe, which is a lot like a jungle but a bit less sweaty.

8. Lions are total badasses, and can kill pretty much anything they can catch, but they don't really try to abuse their power, other than to get shit done according to nature's will and get enough to get by just like everybody else. They're intimidating and powerful, but also respectable, noble creatures. Me too, at least I strive to be.