An old college friend read this Best of Craigslist article entitled
"Just fucking fuck me, already." He sent me the link with the subject line, "did you write this? haha". A giant existential shitstorm ensued. Here's our email stream (with minimal edits made to better protect the identities of the innocent).
On Tue, Mar 29, 2011 at 11:51 PM, "I"
<yesyeslioness@myemailaddress.com> wrote:
Nope! Though that was a great article, I'm now looking for a decent relationship over a hot fuck. Or both ideally, but emphasis is on the former. How's shit?
On Wed, 3/30/11, "He" <
thisoneguy@hisemailaddress.com> wrote:
From: "ThisOneGuy" <
thisoneguy@hisemailaddress.com>
Subject: Re: did you write this? haha
To: "YesYesLioness" <
yesyeslioness@myemailaddress.com>
Date: Wednesday, March 30, 2011, 1:44 PM
Things are ok with me. I am just working and saving money. Still trying to figure out what is next in my life. I saw you got a new job and that you are trying to quit smoking. Holy self improvement!
On Wed, Mar 30, 2011 at 7:57 PM, "I"
yesyeslioness@myemailaddress.com> wrote:
"Working and saving money"...for
what, is the big question, ThisOneGuy? I know what you mean about the scary "what's next?" question, but at least we're daring to ask. It's really hard to ask yourself what exactly YOU want. Even harder to be sure that your answer is coming entirely from your own heart.
I find myself wanting to settle down (gasp?!), sort my feelings/money/priorities out, stop partying just for distraction, carve out a little chunk of the world, and
do something with this genius-chaos that is me. I bit the lioness smarty-pants pride bullet and have been going to therapy for about 6 weeks now; it's been really good for me. Just as you can't massage your own back--neither can you fix your own thoughts.
Yes, the new job is much lower-stress, better tips/customers/coworkers/boss, and I get to educate people about beans/roasting/brewing methods (whee!...I get to play with Bunsen burners!), and being a better coffee consumer. More like a coffee science lab/roastery with a shop/cafe attached. Customer service, but not being a counter-whore/public punching-bag all day long.
I've already gotten the invitation to buy (partially) into the business, do admin and management, and go on salary. Whoa! I like the idea of some world business travel (we buy some beans directly from farmers and negotiate face-to-face in places like
Guatemala and Brazil), but I'm gonna hold off for at least this summer and observe it all before jumping into anything like that. Really pleased with it in the meantime, though.
My band's pretty much grinding to a halt, may still record backing vocals for this and other people's projects, but enjoying the gig/whiskey/sleep deprivation/drama-free weekends. Writing album reviews here and there for
Savage Henry online magazine/Nadamucho.com. It's fun to flex my typing fingers and my vocabulary muscles! This one's on the new
DeVotchKa album
100 Lovers, which I adored and asked to cover specifically. If you haven't heard already, get it--classical/modern gypsy-punk indie-funk party en sus pantalones!
I have been cigarette-free for nearly 2 months; it feels like a lifetime ago! It's terrifyingly exhilarating as I learn to manage my anxieties. I have to come right out and feel things at the time I feel them instead of running away to light them up and inhale them, only to cough them up suddenly and inappropriately later. (What a metaphor, huh!) I feel better, look better, smell better, and my vocal range got a couple of notes back too! Haven't cheated on myself, not even once, don't even care to. Seriously. Done with it. So happy to be free of that evil sadness monster cloud.
It's definitely a brave new dating world when you don't have a "smoker dealbreaker rejection shield" too. That was always a good excuse for attracting only other people who didn't seem to care very much about themselves, and/or me. I read this
article for women turning 30 and it said, "you will attract who you deserve." It made me realize that I
would like to deserve/attract better for myself, because time's a-ticking, and tough as I act, there is an ever-crescendoing voice in my head that wants to be someone's partner/mother/family. I'm trying to get healthier, plow through my shit, use it for fertilizer, and
plant the seeds to deserve the kind of man who'd want me to mother his children, share a home, build a decent life together, encourage each other to be the best possible versions of ourselves, who is attracted to
this YesYesLioness who actually loves herself.
(Not the self-pitying, self-destructive YesYesLioness who won't expect anything more from a guy than a few drinks, an evening's-worth of "jackhammering", and new fodder for her latest
Craigslist bitter single-lady bad sex rant.)
So, no offense, but your (semi-joking) suggestion that I could have believably authored that article hit me hard. It occurs to me that I seem to have successfully created this character who appears uninterested in loving or being loved by anyone. Who tries to act as though she knows it would just be a bother if you loved her, as if she is sparing you the hassle of having to care by letting you fuck her and be on your way. Befriend her if you must, to make yourself feel better about the whole "fucking her" thing and in exchange, get some funny,
personalized sex advice. But do yourself a favor and move it along, Mr. Nice Guy, there's no
HELP WANTED sign on this vagina, and who wants to fight a deathmatch with her for a job that allegedly doesn't exist?
That persona may be well-developed, but she's usually a comedic side character in the story. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Surrounded by gay guys, cats, and eating her chocolate-covered feelings amid her ceramic tschotchkis and useless, non-committal assholes met at last call. "Ack!" They retired the
Cathy comic strip for a reason. She makes a crappy leading lady. And so did I, accidentally-on purpose.
I don't want to be the butt of this joke over and over again. I don't want to hate myself anymore, or laugh it off, either. It is pretty embarrassing and humbling to look back at the things I've done and the people I've hurt/confused/laughed off/outright lied to about my feelings/moved in with because I did hate myself and would have done anything in order to keep from getting close enough to be hurt. Or worse, truly loved and understood. Even though it usually backfired and hurt a shitload anyways. At least it was of my own design, right. Heh, heh...frown.
So I'm sorry, and this isn't (entirely) personally directed at you, but you accidentally pushed a button and all of these words and feelings are coming out. I guess I have to leave all of that behind now, but it takes a while to mourn the past and sort through what's coming with you into the future and what's staying behind.
Know what I mean? I think you kinda do. Be nice to yourself. Sorry to "unleash the beast" but there are only a precious few lions who can stand it. And for some reason I write really well when it's in "letter to ThisOneGuy" format. Lucky you! :)
On
Wed, 3/30/11, "He" <thisoneguy@hisemailaddress.com> wrote:
From: ThisOneGuy
Subject: Re: did you write this? haha
To: "YesYesLioness" <yesyeslioness@myemailaddress.com>
Date: Wednesday, March 30, 2011, 8:30 PM
Wow, thanks for the response. At first I looked at the length of this email and thought, "oh great," but as I read it, I kept wanting to read more. You have come a long way.
YesYesLioness, for so long I have been listening to you lament about bad things happening to you and making bad choices. Or, as [a mutual former friend of ours] would say, "poor choices". It is really refreshing and exciting to see you taking charge and growing up. Quitting smoking, finding a job that you enjoy, and taking control of your own craziness. It's inspiring.
I apologize if the email offended you. I saw the posting on
reddit.com, thought it was hilarious, saw that it was from
Seattle and it made me think of your abandoned "Bad Girls Wear Brown" book idea.
At this point in my life, working and saving money is an excuse I am making because I am afraid to take another risk with my life. [Name of ThisOneGuy's Former Band] was a huge risk and as a business, it failed. That hurt me so much. I am still stuck at the crossroads of trying again with music and I have been so down on myself lately. I just think, "I'll just keep saving money until I figure it out." Figure WHAT out?
I like the YesYesLioness who actually loves herself. It gives me some hope for how I feel about myself sometimes.
On Wednesday, April 6, 2011 8:31 PM, "I" wrote:
Subject: "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!"
To:"ThisOneGuy"
Date: Wednesday, April 6, 2011 8:31 PM
Hey,
First of all, thank you for those words of encouragement, they mean a whole lot coming from you. I wasn't angry with you about sending me that article. It was more just the metaphor that set my thoughts ablaze. I really want to make myself proud, have been asking myself tough questions, and trying to be honest. Honest and kind with myself and with other people, with the words I say and write and think. It's quite a simple concept, but is also really fucking scary/painful sometimes to do .
I'm really, really enjoying my writing again right now, trying to figure out ways that I can do it and maybe even get paid for it(?) I can't believe you remembered my book title,
Bad Girls Wear Brown! I wouldn't call it "abandoned", more like "in the process of being dramatically revised". I need your help thinking of a new title. In the meantime, you can read one of my album reviews
here.
...And for dessert, may I suggest: YesYesLioness' Life Advice, a sundae with 3 scoops of adorably-personally-relatable-metaphors, sprinkled with mythology, symbolism, astrology, pop-culture references, and a self-deprecating cherry on top...courtesy of the house.
We lions are natural performers. We glow under the spotlight, effectively-yet-demurely handle the attention, get off on the pressure to hold it all together in a masochistic way. This is what our former dorky lonely adolescent selves thought we always wanted, to be the "coolest possible 20-something version of us". We thought we'd feel fuller, but we feel drained, sweaty, broke, hung over and weary of the constant party. It's really lonely, despite the crowds of people fawning over us, telling us how great we are, wanting us around, buying us a shot, maybe even getting naked with us, "hooking us up". We're divvied up into a zillion handshakes and polite responses and souvenirs of ourselves, and we've handed them out to everyone, until suddenly it feels like we've become our own cliche, and there's nothing at the center holding us together. Jesus Christ may have been a Superstar but he was also the original total fucking martyr.
We have this knack for attracting crowds, but for as many "fans" and "friends" that attend our shows, only a chosen/fated(?) few get backstage passes and really see us without our costumes on. We tell ourselves most people don't really want to meet or know the real person behind the spectacle. They're just using us to maintain their illusion of "the great and powerful Oz" and don't give a fuck about "the man behind the curtain". We're afraid to stop entertaining, terrified to disappoint, and as a result, we haven't gotten
SHIT done offstage. Same old song and dance, and the audience is dwindling. Even our parents don't show up much anymore.
When you spend your life playing a character for everyone else to enjoy, there's not that much that you can really call "yours" at the end of the show. The more everyone "
LUVS!<3" you, the less of your true self there is left for you to actually
love. [Cracks a beer, commences self-destruction to pass the time until the next show.]
I always I wished I were better friends with "Offstage ThisOneGuy", even though I was a superfan of "Onstage ThisOneGuy" too. Offstage ThisOneGuy had time to talk, made the most realistic plaster Maple & Brown Sugar PopTart sculpture
ever, had a bizarre love for pet birds, and is a really great son/big brother/dude from the suburbs of Chicago. He's really goddamn smart, well-read, and (despite his oft-inappropriate sense of humor) hilarious. He loves music and movies and has good manners and an appetite for great food and people and culture. He publishes his list of top albums every year and is a great writer. He's a crazy-talented musician/graphic artist and a hard worker. He cares about his friends and wants the best for them and reads their long emails :) and yells at them when they make poor choices.
Onstage ThisOneGuy was cocky, flippant, and sexy as all hell. Tight pants, tour vans and red guitars, impish grins and after parties. In with the muthafucking Hollywood "in" crowd, binge drinking with the guys in their ironic thrift store t-shirts and their hairdos, capable of shoving his massive cock down the throat of the least-suspecting scenester babe in the room (and knowing it). Hearing his own song play in a Hollister store while on tour promoting his show at a mall. Getting wasted and angry and saying/doing inappropriate shit/puking all over the place. Pretending he didn't see me watching from the audience, pretending he didn't know any better.
There are good parts of both ThisOneGuys...I don't mean to slice your heart out and feed it to you on a platter. I just want you to know that I see that there's a lot more within you than your ability to play that one particular character. Not just in
[Name of ThisOneGuy's Former Band], but in your whole life.
Questions to ponder deep down, alone in your heart with no one watching. You don't have to answer them to me (unless you'd truly find that helpful). No wrong answers. I've found them to be very helpful questions/ways to think about my life.
1) If you read your own life story thus far, would you like the protagonist? Why or why not?
2) When fantasizing about the story's ending, what would make you put the book down with a satisfied sigh?
Who's with you? Where are you? What's the last line of the book?
3) What is different about the future you fantasized living from the present you are living/past you have lived?
4) Who will help you get there and how do you ask them for what you need?
5) What do you think
you could reasonably do to become more like your fantasy future self?--What do you think is
unreasonable to expect of yourself/others/beyond your ultimate control?
6) What about the you of past and present is to keep and celebrate and cultivate, what is to be mourned, shed and moved on from?
Ok, that's probably a whole lot of brain digestion to do. But I really do appreciate your loyal subscription to my "would-be newsletter" all of these years. There's but a few that have a high enough threshold for my bullshit and I realized that I must remember to give them my utmost gratitude and respectful attention. Much love!
-YesYesLioness
Posts
